So, now what?
At some point in our lives we’ve asked this question. Whether you finally accomplished that goal you’ve been working towards, or you’ve naturally come to the end of one of life's seasons, or cycles, you can't help but question what's next.
That's exactly how I've been feeling lately. When I started this blog, I had the goal of recording my thoughts and epiphanies on grief for the first year without my mom. When August came, I had the goal to move to a new city by the end of the month, and to survive the anniversary of my mother’s passing, and her birthday. Well, I reflected and wrote blogs for a year. I survived August, and moved to Austin, but now that I've unpacked the last box, I find myself asking... "So, now what?"
This question, like it has for so many others, has brought me into a bit of a funk. I’ve accomplished my goals, and completed my move, but I now feel stagnant and lost again. And without a new routine already in place, I've also found that my waves of grief have been more frequent. With less to do, I find myself with more time to miss my mom. Now, that funk has turned into a full blown, debilitating grief bubble.
Luckily, I have a whole blog dedicated to what to do when this happens, but I've discovered that each new grief bubble I find myself in evokes different needs. So, I decided to do a mindfulness body scan to feel out what this funk was trying to tell me. I believe in meditation, a body scan is a way to reconnect with your physical self to sense any pain, or sensation you feel in that moment. However, I like to add a little emotion scanner too. This helps me understand which emotions I'm feeling in this moment, and how they might be triggering my grief. Here are the results of my latest scan:
My neck and shoulders hurt - Probably from how stressful this move has been, or your posture.
My stomach hurts - You ate a lot of fast food on your road trip, maybe it's time for a detox?
I feel anxious - You're in a new city, and that can feel scary. You have expectations, but you know there's some things you can't control, that's scary too.
I feel sad - You shifted from seeing your boyfriend every week, to long distance. You miss him, and that's ok. You miss your friends and life in LA, that’s ok.
I feel hurt - Normally, when you make new life changing decisions, like moving, you'd call your mom. It hurts that you can't, and that after a year, grieving hasn't gotten much easier. That's ok too.
Doing a physical and emotional body scan helps you pinpoint what's actually making you upset. Rather than just feeling depressed, I now understand why. Normally, being the self-care baddie I am, I'd make a bullet point list of at least 5 things I could do to feel better. I'll definitely get to this step, but I think it's also important to sit with these uncomfortable emotions. (That's what my therapist tells me at least!) Change is hard. Not only am I still adjusting to the new reality that is life without my mother, but I also changed my environment, and my routine.
This new grief bubble has reminded me it's ok to take some time to settle in. I wanted to get right back to my self love dates, take Austin by storm, and move onto my next big thing! But I'm now realizing I need some time to recuperate. I need some time to grieve the fact that I'm not in LA anymore, a place I called home for 6 years, that I'll miss my LA friends, and seeing my boyfriend every week, that continuing life without getting to spill every detail over the phone with my mom freaking sucks. Perhaps, I’m not stagnant or lost, I just need to pump the brakes, and allow my mind and body to rest.
So, now what?
Well, for now I'm going to cry it out. (And have been, hence why this is the first blog post in like a month lol) Then, when I feel ready, I'll remember how exciting exploring new cities are. I'll enjoy getting to hang with my college friends again, and get used to Facetime hangs with my boo thang and LA friends. I'll do that list of 5 things that will help me feel better, and when it’s time, I’ll be ready for my next big thing! I urge you all to do the same when you find yourself questioning what’s next. Maybe the answer is to just rest and recuperate.
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